So drunk its hurt
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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