Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
