ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
