The maid of honor just puked.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
