It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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