i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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