I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
