he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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