Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
