sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
