There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
