I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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