I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
