Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Randomize
