His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
