When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
