I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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