i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
