he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Ladies don't puke and tell
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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