The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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