So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize