Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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