Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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