so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
