I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
