Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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