Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
