I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
