I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
