My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
