she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
