your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
