I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize