Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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