ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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