Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
