They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
