I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
