im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
