After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
