My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
