Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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