She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
