Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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