I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
