Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
