never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Who put my cat in the fridge?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize