At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
