Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize