there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize