You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
