Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
