Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
