My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize