So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
