just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
These tits shall not be calmed
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
