dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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