hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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